the circle never breaks

​not being alone is overrated

when you start remembering the past as the good old days

when you float away from yourself

when you stop watching movies at dawn

when you don’t have any strangers to love

when instead of greeting the sunrise every day, you find yourself in an ordinary-square-grownup’s wet dream 

you are not growing up, you are dying

i am

six years ago, on a july morning, i decided i wanted to marry you, so i will never have to spend another july morning without you

i haven’t spent any july mornings since

 

I remember the first time i saw the sea

a restaurant terrace overlooking the beach

small square tables fighting to keep their white tablecloths in the morning breeze

and the sea at the background stretching endlessly blue to the horizon

the sun gliding on the surface and the water winking back with millions of tiny sparkles shimmering like glitter

i remember it very clearly

i was three

but it was by no means overwhelming or astonishing

i wasn’t surprised or scared or even impressed by the proportions of this novelty

i was reuniting with an old friend from another life

just coming home

expendable passion

what are we looking for?

 

the moment, after walking in the sand, when you step on solid ground and can walk again

the moment you finish a poem and can breath again

the moment you hear your favorite song on the radio

the moment the headache is gone and you can sleep again

 

i've always felt, if only i could sing, i could have this

could let everything out and let everything go

 

i've been going through things, hoping they would be the solution

and they were, for the time being

like the moment you can run in a dream

chasing the small conquests of preliminary culminations

 

after my thorough seeking, 

nothing is the truth

and everything is

there has never been a right answer

to anything

put on some lotion

put on some body lotion

that's what my friend's therapist advised her to do when she's feeling down

we're gonna need lots of it

and then some more

i keep imagining people rubbing their skin with lotion night after night in their fluorescent illuminated condos hoping the loneliness will go away

i wish it worked that way

i wish we had so much lotion we could squeeze the bottle onto the whole world till everyone drowns in it and feels happy again

a modern day noachian flood

kaddish

the tree in front of my window didn't have a single leaf on
the first month i didn't cry at all
then i cried every day
the first evening he handed me a freezer bag full of jewellery 
what an insensitive thing to do
flowers from a birthday still in the vase
the first week i slept with my arm hanging from the edge of the bed towards the empty space at the tiniest possibility of her being there
the first year - i don't know yet
there was a lot to say but i chose not to

the flowers still in the vase, dry
the tree outside now fully green
i guess life goes on

it doesn't

he was right 
it does get easier 
though not so much for me 
every love song is written for already expired love 
forgetting is not a busy heart 
it is simply not thinking about it
i remember your voice so clearly
although we were so wrong for each other 

these days
it's been a long time since i have thought so much over my only freedom 
seeing a favourite film is like meeting an old friend 
or coming home 
it's been about an year since i have felt the best is yet to come 
it's slowly getting me 

what i miss the most is living in a home where art is created, music is composed, poetry is written and read every day, passion is danced away and dreams are discussed with every glass of wine
i miss fighting over who gets the only bed and who the floor, just cause nobody wanted the bed

today is the day

i've decided to let go
i've realised i would rather lose my soulmate, my best friend, the most perfect guy i could have wished for, than not stay true to myself
it's no longer a teenage phase
i am 30 and i am the same fucking person
i have waited for it to change that's why i played along and didn't say anything at the time
i mean you don't go to a job interview letting them know you plan to kill yourself in couple of years
you just do your best to get the job and hope you change your mind or they fire you or the company burns down before the time is up
i am still that steppenwolf who wants to hitchhike through the world, switch contries every few years, listen to people's stories and places' stories and leave exactly when it starts getting hard to leave
who wants to live alone and die alone and is in peace with it
what i feel will always be the only truth for me
today is the day i've decided i rather die of broken heart than have a kid and a car and a mortgage
i might regret you, but i am so sure i will never regret not having a kid and a car and a mortgage
i really wish i wanted that happily ever after
it is everyone's dream, but it was never mine
за добре организирания ум смъртта е просто следващото голямо приключение

i am me

she said if she could be a man for one day, she would spend it not being afraid

they don't know
he was genuinely confused why that girl ran when he approached her to ask the time
i have never hated being a woman so much
freedom 
i really really really wish i can't have children

to the new beginnings

i started this year with a lot of passion and inspiration
i was accused of not having dreams or goals at all
my only goal is to keep it exciting.
or i die
i have had all my dreams come true and it wasn't always what i expected or what i needed.
and it doesn't really matter anyway
but i do need to challenge myself
after i've got everything, now i need to face my fears
i have always been fascinated by the unknown and by the things i don't understand
so this year i am taking the road of the two things i've always loved, but felt like i'm not good enough to do myself
math and music
maybe i am not good enough
but let's keep it exciting

confusion

you know that feeling when a scene is stuck in the back of your mind for years and years and you have no idea if it's a memory, a dream, a movie or a fantasy?
i have many of those and as the time passes i'm getting more and more convinced that nothing is real
sometimes i feel like i am not real
not being able to recreate the route we took that evening to the poets and back, not being able to find the places in my mind, although i remember everything from that night so vividly, then finding them and them looking all wrong and at the wrong side of the road and stuff, makes me question my memories of everything
every time i try to find the perspective i remember so clearly, but it's just... a different place altogether
so i gotta question either myself or reality

my head's under water, but i'm breathing fine

a guy on the train is talking to himself in some distant land's language
he doesn't seem crazy in spite of the persistance of his speech
i don't understand him but he is reciting a poem
it looks like he is reciting a poem to the foggy view of the river outside
another guy is giving a speech to the whole train he looks like he is acting on stage
except that he is not
he is the actual personage that the actors immitate
the original
I am rereading 'the road' and i'm like
maan, that's some rookie hitchhiking there
i have better stories to tell
one of these days i should start writing thought i don't feel any more experienced or mature
the only thing i've learned being a grown up is that grown ups don't know shit about shit not a single little shit
not a single person
but it doesn't really matter anyway
one of the dreams i have every once in a while for years is that
i am drowning and just as i can't hold my breath any longer and breath in the water and wait to die,
i realize that i don't need air
and i just keep swimming and swimming,
and it's peaceful and everything is just fine
that's the only love song that makes sense these days anyway

tonight i cried
just because i miss some things i don't need
and i tried so hard to remember the last time i cried and i couldn't
could have been years
i know it's not years but i just
can't remember
i have melancholy but i also have inspiration and peace
i am exactly where i want to be

european autumn

there is something
something in this city reminds me of home and takes me back to my childhood
maybe it's the cool september
the fallen leaves and chestnuts on the sidewalks
maybe it's the people - they're never in a hurry
maybe it's the pigeons

maybe it's the silence
it's been a really long time since i've lived in such silence

a memory haunts me these days
waking up from a late nap to the the smell of meatballs
the room is dark and i am alone but light and voices are coming from the kitchen
i get out of bed and it's chilly but the kitchen is warm and blinding bright
and the windows are misty from the heat and it smells like meatballs and fries
the whole flat does
that's what home smells like for me
now i'm frying falafel but it smells like home
and it's silent, so silent outside
but voices in the kitchen

yes

the rain is beautiful
and i am so fucking happy
i have inspiration and spontaneity and language courses and a cool roommate
and i have freelove
three years ago i said i could only truly love a kerouac
i did meet him few months after
just want you to know
i met my kerouac

hamburger

last night i dreamt about running up and down a hill in bright yellow high heels and a red dress
a sign.
it will be fine

...and find a brand new way of seeing...

right now
i remember the days
following our one-night stand
caugh up in our unintentional surrender to each other
how stupid i must had been to believe
i wouldn't fall for somebody so perfect
i remember the first time i noticed how incredibly beautiful your hands were
while you were holding a beer can
while we were sitting on the ground the night we met
and i'm just amazed how life works
the clock is ticking
counting away from the moment our fingers locked together
and we got locked up forever
our friend the lord of the skies
says it's worse than lottery
in lottery at least someone wins for certain
in love nobody really does
i told him it's a risk i'm willing to take with you
if we lose, then everyone does
if we can't make it, then nobody can
we're the only ones standing a chance against the odds
real love doesn't need to be fought for
it doesn't demand sacrifices and it doesn't cause wars
it just is
as simple as that

не знам. не знам. не знам. нищо. абсолютно нищо.
чувствам се като в предпоследната сцена на аризонска мечта. най-важното е, може би, че не знам какво искам. не е дилема. не знам какво искам от живота anymore. никога не съм била амбициозна за кариера и пари, но съм била амбициозна за мечтите си, за чувствата си, за всеки красив миг, който мога да си открадна. а сега... нищо. сякаш... изразходих мечтите си. получих всичко прекалено рано и прекалено лесно. получих, изживях и продължавам да изживявам всичко, за което някога съм мечтала и много неща, за които дори не съм и мечтала. и не е достатъчно. мразя това качество на хората. че винаги искаме повече.
винаги съм казвала, че най-точната индикация за щастие е, че в този момент не ти се иска да бъдеш някъде другаде с някой друг. и в редките моменти, в които съм искала да бъда другаде, винаги съм знаела точно къде искам да бъда и съм го постигала. просто съм следвала чувствата си и съм правила това, което ме прави щастлива.
проблемът е, че от известно време не просто не искам да съм тук, но и не знам къде искам да съм. проблемът е, че обиколих азия с момчето на не-мечтите ми и през повечето време исках да съм някъде другаде. и нямам решение, защото проблемът е вътре в главата ми.
имам нужда от вдъхновение. не се харесвам такава. мога да обвинявам азия, че е грозна и скучна, но едва ли тя е виновната. страх ме е, че ще отида във венеция и няма да усетя нищо. липсва ми онова аз, което спи на отворен прозорец зимата, за да може да чува шума от улицата и бученето на машините, с които я мият нощем. отдавна не съм го правила. не помня в кой момент забравих да го правя.
трябва да си припомня някои неща.