random

again I have this almost painful need to write and draw and sing and scream

and once again I am a prisoner in my own mind and my own boundaries

today I spent half an hour staring at a spoon and maybe I could have done it that last night in brugge as then I was so sure nothing is real

I feel like screaming, hitting, crying, running till I am too tired to think

I never feel this way while traveling

I can’t recognize myself in the mirror

wearing dress and make-up and stuff

and I am not sure I like what I see

when I get ‘home’ first thing I will be throwing away half my clothes

and reading all the books I bought but never read

and ordering Rayuela in spanish cause it’s the purest poetry I’ve ever seen

I’ve been loving strangers this year, but yet again isn’t everybody?

I fall asleep while reading in the afternoon and dream about running up a hill and Ale saving me from a speeding car, whatever that means

you’re not really dead if nobody knows you’re dead

when I’m ready to die, I’ll disappear

I’ll go to new zealand and never come back

I am getting dizzy

you know the feeling you get in a library or a bookstore

wanting to read everything, right now, at once, to the last page, to smell and touch every book, to understand every character, to feel every line of poetry, to relive every story, and not be able to decide where to start, and feeling a little bit like crying, but mostly inspired….

well, that’s exactly how I feel when I look at a map

right now I just want to write but my thoughts are so scattered

I picture them as millions beads on the endless glass floor of time and space

and I never seem to be able to organize them in any way

that’s why I don’t write anything with a plot

I can always try stream of consciousness but, come on, people don’t understand or like even Faulkner, and he is a genius, so you’ll be shutting this page pretty soon

few days ago I found out I share a birthday with Kerouac, how cool is that

whatever, somebody finally put a password on that wifi, that’s the main reason I’m even thinking these