kaddish

the tree in front of my window didn't have a single leaf on
the first month i didn't cry at all
then i cried every day
the first evening he handed me a freezer bag full of jewellery 
what an insensitive thing to do
flowers from a birthday still in the vase
the first week i slept with my arm hanging from the edge of the bed towards the empty space at the tiniest possibility of her being there
the first year - i don't know yet
there was a lot to say but i chose not to

the flowers still in the vase, dry
the tree outside now fully green
i guess life goes on

it doesn't

he was right 
it does get easier 
though not so much for me 
every love song is written for already expired love 
forgetting is not a busy heart 
it is simply not thinking about it
i remember your voice so clearly
although we were so wrong for each other 

these days
it's been a long time since i have thought so much over my only freedom 
seeing a favourite film is like meeting an old friend 
or coming home 
it's been about an year since i have felt the best is yet to come 
it's slowly getting me 

what i miss the most is living in a home where art is created, music is composed, poetry is written and read every day, passion is danced away and dreams are discussed with every glass of wine
i miss fighting over who gets the only bed and who the floor, just cause nobody wanted the bed

today is the day

i've decided to let go
i've realised i would rather lose my soulmate, my best friend, the most perfect guy i could have wished for, than not stay true to myself
it's no longer a teenage phase
i am 30 and i am the same fucking person
i have waited for it to change that's why i played along and didn't say anything at the time
i mean you don't go to a job interview letting them know you plan to kill yourself in couple of years
you just do your best to get the job and hope you change your mind or they fire you or the company burns down before the time is up
i am still that steppenwolf who wants to hitchhike through the world, switch contries every few years, listen to people's stories and places' stories and leave exactly when it starts getting hard to leave
who wants to live alone and die alone and is in peace with it
what i feel will always be the only truth for me
today is the day i've decided i rather die of broken heart than have a kid and a car and a mortgage
i might regret you, but i am so sure i will never regret not having a kid and a car and a mortgage
i really wish i wanted that happily ever after
it is everyone's dream, but it was never mine
за добре организирания ум смъртта е просто следващото голямо приключение