Monday, April 30, 2018

...and find a brand new way of seeing...

right now
i remember the days
following our one-night stand
caugh up in our unintentional surrender to each other
how stupid i must had been to believe
i wouldn't fall for somebody so perfect
i remember the first time i noticed how incredibly beautiful your hands were
while you were holding a beer can
while we were sitting on the ground the night we met
and i'm just amazed how life works
the clock is ticking
counting away from the moment our fingers locked together
and we got locked up forever
our friend the lord of the skies
says it's worse than lottery
in lottery at least someone wins for certain
in love nobody really does
i told him it's a risk i'm willing to take with you
if we lose, then everyone does
if we can't make it, then nobody can
we're the only ones standing a chance against the odds
real love doesn't need to be fought for
it doesn't demand sacrifices and it doesn't cause wars
it just is
as simple as that

Friday, January 12, 2018

не знам. не знам. не знам. нищо. абсолютно нищо.
чувствам се като в предпоследната сцена на аризонска мечта. най-важното е, може би, че не знам какво искам. не е дилема. не знам какво искам от живота anymore. никога не съм била амбициозна за кариера и пари, но съм била амбициозна за мечтите си, за чувствата си, за всеки красив миг, който мога да си открадна. а сега... нищо. сякаш... изразходих мечтите си. получих всичко прекалено рано и прекалено лесно. получих, изживях и продължавам да изживявам всичко, за което някога съм мечтала и много неща, за които дори не съм и мечтала. и не е достатъчно. мразя това качество на хората. че винаги искаме повече.
винаги съм казвала, че най-точната индикация за щастие е, че в този момент не ти се иска да бъдеш някъде другаде с някой друг. и в редките моменти, в които съм искала да бъда другаде, винаги съм знаела точно къде искам да бъда и съм го постигала. просто съм следвала чувствата си и съм правила това, което ме прави щастлива.
проблемът е, че от известно време не просто не искам да съм тук, но и не знам къде искам да съм. проблемът е, че обиколих азия с момчето на не-мечтите ми и през повечето време исках да съм някъде другаде. и нямам решение, защото проблемът е вътре в главата ми.
имам нужда от вдъхновение. не се харесвам такава. мога да обвинявам азия, че е грозна и скучна, но едва ли тя е виновната. страх ме е, че ще отида във венеция и няма да усетя нищо. липсва ми онова аз, което спи на отворен прозорец зимата, за да може да чува шума от улицата и бученето на машините, с които я мият нощем. отдавна не съм го правила. не помня в кой момент забравих да го правя.
трябва да си припомня някои неща.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

my endless summer

i don't think i know anything anymore
i've been to the end of the world and back
but i don't feel like i've learnt anything

maybe i don't want to admit it
but maybe i am losing my religion
i am not fascinated by people that much anymore
the tropical jungles are only forests
and taj mahal is only a building
living only a summer is veery boring
everyone is like everyone is like everywhere
is like everything

that's what i learnt

and i am the same
exactly where i started
but i will be back

Monday, June 19, 2017

i am one step away from leaving
and i'm gonna leave myself behind too
i am not afraid
not at all
i don't need anything
just a warm sleeping bag and the road

that's what i wrote an year ago
now i am back and i have found
not what i was looking for
but something

Thursday, May 12, 2016

you say jump
but 'every time i hear the word love, i think going, going..'
when you tell me you love me
i hang up cause i cannot speak through my tears
i am nothing but terrified
you are perfect
this time you really are
it's not my mind playing me
but still i can only see going
you give me freelove
but it's my love that is dragging me down
i tell you
if i was wise enough
i would run
run very far away from your perfect hands and your devilish smile
but i am not that strong so
'here I am, a rabbit hearted girl, frozen in the headlights'
i will blame you at the end and you know it
you are so brave and naive, my boy
i love it and you make me wanna jump too

Monday, April 18, 2016

there is this huge colorful storm in my head
i'm spinning in the middle and
after a while everything reminds me of everything
and everyone looks like everyone
your hands are his hands
and you are holding your cigarette exactly the same way he does
everybody is a deja-vu
this room is a copy of another one a thousand kilometers from here
and this very minute is a copy of another one lived months ago
and another one lived years ago
the second you put your beer down i can see
a hundred people putting their beer down in my memories
i've listened to this song so many times but i don't know when and where
everything is a deja-vu
you laugh exactly like someone else once did but i don't remember who
your perfume smells familiar
and when i close my eyes i am not sure who i am kissing
or who is kissing you
yes, after a while i stop seeing them and i see only
but do i really?

i realized i don't realize
how dangerously i play with my feelings
living so fast i can feel the g-force
loving on a tightrope
where less is not enough so i stretch it higher and higher up in the sky
if i step down i die
if i fall i die
i feel i am getting closer
so i close my eyes and
not really knowing how far the ground is
i rush for the high
in my color tornado
my head spinning
spinning faster

Saturday, March 26, 2016


it all started that night we slept among tea fields
at the end of the world
and at the end of our senses
freezing under moist blankets in front of the fire
i wasn't impressed the first time i saw you
you weren't a maybe
till you were
till i dreamt about loving you that night
and woke up to your smile all different
i get high on your philosophies
the only lost wars i can not get over are the ones i still believe are not wars
there is an exact moment i realize
life is all exaggerations
of our own private realities
at that moment i am not afraid of exaggerating you
right now there is no magic greater than your honey eyes watching the road
we are a monologue inside my head
and who is to say we are not real
i've been looking for someone who is exactly like me
but then they would be an unpredictable unreliable liar
i love the way you don't love me
i want us to be free before anything
i don't need you to need me
i just want to swim in your hair
and to get lost between your eyelashes
the only times i am afraid of loving you
is when i am afraid of losing you
is when i am afraid of losing myself
falling in love after all is 'falling' and i can't afford losing control
slipping is a death sentence when my heart stands on a balance scale

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

there was nowhere to go but everywhere

i'm forever fascinated by the road ahead
you say life is an exam, a purgatory
but you can't possibly convince me
that heaven has anything to offer more beautiful than what i have here
you say earthly emotions are sinful
but you can't possibly convince me
that there is anything more sacred than what i feel with my five senses
i am embracing the sky as my back touches the asphalt
and i become one with the black road and the wind
the rain is cold but i'm not afraid
i'm nothing but excited to embrace it too
to feel it run down my skin
i can't help to throw my arms in the air
and sing, yell, laugh
i only take what the world has to offer and pray
i pray by laughing, crying, running, eating, drinking, making love
that's my way of talking to god and it's sacred
you say: be moderate
i say: be mad!
demand life
dig the happiness from inside the earth, from inside yourself, pull it out and wear it proudly on your shoulders
don't be moderate
i'm forever fascinated by the unknown, by the spontaneity of life
it's all a big beautiful dream and you don't have to have it all planned
just embrace the road
and don't yawn
never yawn
coming home has never felt so wrong
it's like waking up from a long dream to a life i don't belong to
it does feel like home
everything is familiar and warm indeed
but it feels so wrong

i only miss the past when the present is not good enough
so i have to keep it up
to outrun the pain
to do better every day
that's actually what growing old is -
the present getting less than the past
till the future disappears and there is only past to live with
and you spend your present holding on to the past

it's an addiction you know
more more
life itself is an addiction
what you had today is never enough tomorrow
you'd do anything to keep it going
or you'd fall
you will have a single best moment in your life
from there on
it's down

Sunday, February 21, 2016

....she got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends

i don't fall in love with my men
i fall in love with their hands
with their bracelets
with their colors
with their eyes watching the road ahead
i think i've found a new way to love
i've found a new way to embrace
it took me so long to find the passion i feel in my dreams
but now i have
these days i've fallen in love so many times
but managed to stay free in my mind
life is beautiful
and it gets better
i promise
there are so many people to love out there
so many colors
i look in your eyes and see explosions
no expectations
we share our colors
and i can feel myself change
and learn
and i love all of you
i fall in love with every single one of you
i want to spend a lifetime with every single one of you
and i actually do
spend a lifetime
in the split second when our eyes meet
and then

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

dreams are stronger than reality
i dreamt about you hugging me
your arms on my shoulders
i can still feel the touch of your unreal skin
and your unreal kiss
and my unreal love
nothing is real
it isn't you
you have to know that it isn't you
and if i fall for you it doesn't have anything to do with you
if i fall for you it would be just my mind seeking and creating unrealities

i found out for myself that i can only truly love a traveler
a hitchhiker
a kerouac
someone who loves life and freedom at least as much as me
i fell in love with you in my dream
the games my mind plays
but maybe.

Friday, December 18, 2015

when i grow up i want to be a forester
like my grandfather
i never met him but i often imagine him
wearing that jacket he's wearing in all the old photos
stepping through the woods
holding a gun in his rough hands
they say his eyes were blue like the sky
i wouldn't know
for me he's always been just black and white
i don't have his blue eyes
maybe that's why i'm forever fascinated by blue-eyed people

they say i got the temper of my father's mother
she chased her husband with a shovel through the town
i bet he had it coming, the bastard

when i grow old
i want to live at the border between the sky and the barley
i want to die alone in a september night
somewhere very far from home
i remember my mother explaining me the meaning of the ukrainian flag when i was very little
i'm forever fascinated by that image
i don't have my father's green eyes either
but i have his hair and his predisposition to alcoholism

when i grow younger i want to be an astronaut
i'm never going to grow old
i want to have gray hair and wrinkles
but i know i will die young
and i don't want people to keep photos of me
but i will love it if they make flutes out of my bones
and play me
i don't need to be remembered
i just need to be

when i grow up i want to be

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

that's where my demons hide

hey, you
the one with the very beautiful hands
i owe you an apology.
i made a mistake.
i don't regret you
i'm not broken hearted
i'm not angry
just you know sometimes the whatifs sting
i owe you an apology
and i owe myself one
cause the space between me and my lover has been sacred
and i fell too low this time
i couldn't draw a line between 'open minded' and 'easy'
i remember my look at you watching you sleep when we first met
and i remember your look at me when we last met
i feel like i owe you something
maybe i owe you my feelings
cause you've always been something more
and i've always been something less
cause i never let you know that you were something more
and i've constantly turned myself into something less
i've turned the space between us from sacred to vulgar
so i could never ask to be your something more
not anymore
it's been an educational border-crossing
now i know what's 'too low'
i don't really owe you an apology
cause i didn't promise you anything anyway
but i really owe myself one
cause i felt like your wife
but i acted like your whore

Saturday, December 5, 2015

you're hopeful then you regret, the circle never breaks

не мога да си спомня от колко време, години, не съм ходила на класическа old fashioned първа среща
такава, на която се говори много и се слуша много и ти е дори интересно
и да вкараш другия в леглото не е единствената цел
и седите с часове в някое кафене и се чудиш 'дали?'
и се държите за ръце върху масата
нямам идея от колко страшно много време не съм се държала за ръце с момче, докато вървим по улицата
или където и да е
може би тези дни имам нужда от малко old fashioned влюбване
ужасно ме е страх
но може би малко съм позабравила колко боли
обещах си, че няма да забравя, но съм позабравила

I must become a lion hearted girl
and, damn, you're so lovable

Sunday, November 15, 2015

последен урок

мога да се влюбя дори и единствено в ръцете ти
пръсти на пианист
последният урок, който трябва да науча
ти си случай като по учебник
приближавам се с някакъв мазохизъм
нали знаеш, че любопитството убива котката
мога да се влюбя дори и единствено в бурния ти пацифизъм
и начина, по който упорито събираш фасовете по плажа
чисто научно любопитство е моето
няма да виня никого
просто си правя експерименти със сърцето си
искам да се науча да се влюбвам
както се влюбвам в места
да мога да си тръгвам без рани
както си тръгвам когато пътувам
ти си перфектен за моите малки опити
ти не си перфектен в действителност, разбира се
но на сърцето ми му харесва да те нарича така
а аз, с чисто научно любопитство, разбира се, наблюдавам
искам да се науча да се влюбвам в истински хора
не в идеалите си за тях
искам да се науча да се отърсвам от себе си
и от малките си фетиши
защото нямаше да ми харесаш и наполовина
ако не беше се отдръпнал, когато аз се отдръпнах
ако не беше толкова романтичен и толкова студен
ако не беше само на 20
ако имаше нужда от мен
определено нямаше да ми харесаш, ако имаше нужда от мен
мога да се влюбя дори и единствено в начина, по който свириш на въздушна китара, обаче наобратно, защото си левак
(сигурно ще умра, ако те гледам да свириш на истинската)
винаги съм копняла за freelove
искам да се науча да не се чувствам толкова окована от пеперудите в стомаха ми
това са много неща за научаване в един урок

Thursday, July 3, 2014

tonight we drink for youth and holding fast to truth

всичко беше толкова красиво на този джулай
шумът на вълните и мокрият пясък
като някакъв основен тон на всичко останало
хез със огнените й коси и красивото й пиянство
ади - танцуваща и пееща в морето и навсякъде
деси - вдъхновена и вдъхновяваща
и дани като някакъв бог, като някакъв керуак с китара
осветен на фона на черното небе
изпълнен с музика и младост
искрящ, магичен
скачащ по пясъка-сцена
бос, пресипнал
държащ китарата сякаш прави любов с нея
а той правеше любов с нея
пред най-горещата публика
и в този момент ние всички бяхме безсмъртни
беше една от онези нощи, които са безкрайни
не защото не свършват, а защото в този момент ние сме вечни
тия нощи са отговорът на вселената, живота и всичко останало

Thursday, April 10, 2014


понякога нуждата ми за страст е по-голяма от чувството ми за самосъхранение
много често нуждата ми от промяна е по-голяма от нуждата ми за сигурност
почти винаги нуждата ми за свобода е по-голяма от нуждата ми от любов
не е хубаво да се чувстваш окован вътре в самия себе си
като бях малка често сънувах, че съм в затвор
като бях малка имах едно всепоглъщащо чувство за срам и вина понякога
опитвам се да разбера защо сега го нямам. изобщо.
и защо го изпитах, него и други чувства от детството ми,
под влиянието на някви брутални амстердамски кексчета
все повече се убеждавам, че всичко е химия
и физика
и други реакции, които ни контролират

краят е началото и началото е краят
след всичко се връщам на първоначалната идея
искам да изчезна. да избягам. в себе си, не от себе си.
искам да се отърся от всичко и всички, които притежавам и ме притежават
искам да бъда буковски, керуак, буда
искам да бъда отшелник, скитник, нудист, пътешественик вътре в себе си
искам да имам чиста страст
а не мога да бъда това без да... изчезна