Saturday, January 4, 2020

to the new beginnings

i started this year with a lot of passion and inspiration
i was accused of not having dreams or goals at all
my only goal is to keep it exciting.
or i die
i have had all my dreams come true and it wasn't always what i expected or what i needed.
and it doesn't really matter anyway
but i do need to challenge myself
after i've got everything, now i need to face my fears
i have always been fascinated by the unknown and by the things i don't understand
so this year i am taking the road of the two things i've always loved, but felt like i'm not good enough to do myself
math and music
maybe i am not good enough
but let's keep it exciting


Monday, December 9, 2019

confusion

you know that feeling when a scene is stuck in the back of your mind for years and years and you have no idea if it's a memory, a dream, a movie or a fantasy?
i have many of those and as the time passes i'm getting more and more convinced that nothing is real
sometimes i feel like i am not real
not being able to recreate the route we took that evening to the poets and back, not being able to find the places in my mind, although i remember everything from that night so vividly, then finding them and them looking all wrong and at the wrong side of the road and stuff, makes me question my memories of everything
every time i try to find the perspective i remember so clearly, but it's just... a different place altogether
so i gotta question either myself or reality

Saturday, December 7, 2019

my head's under water, but i'm breathing fine


a guy on the train is talking to himself in some distant land's language
he doesn't seem crazy in spite of the persistance of his speech
i don't understand him but he is reciting a poem
it looks like he is reciting a poem to the foggy view of the river outside
another guy is giving a speech to the whole train he looks like he is acting on stage
except that he is not
he is the actual personage that the actors immitate
the original
I am rereading 'the road' and i'm like
maan, that's some rookie hitchhiking there
i have better stories to tell
one of these days i should start writing thought i don't feel any more experienced or mature
the only thing i've learned being a grown up is that grown ups don't know shit about shit not a single little shit
not a single person
but it doesn't really matter anyway
one of the dreams i have every once in a while for years is that
i am drowning and just as i can't hold my breath any longer and breath in the water and wait to die,
i realize that i don't need air
and i just keep swimming and swimming,
and it's peaceful and everything is just fine
that's the only love song that makes sense these days anyway


Thursday, September 13, 2018

tonight i cried
just because i miss some things i don't need
and i tried so hard to remember the last time i cried and i couldn't
could have been years
i know it's not years but i just
can't remember
i have melancholy but i also have inspiration and peace
i am exactly where i want to be


european autumn

there is something
something in this city reminds me of home and takes me back to my childhood
maybe it's the cool september
the fallen leaves and chestnuts on the sidewalks
maybe it's the people - they're never in a hurry
maybe it's the pigeons

maybe it's the silence
it's been a really long time since i've lived in such silence

a memory haunts me these days
waking up from a late nap to the the smell of meatballs
the room is dark and i am alone but light and voices are coming from the kitchen
i get out of bed and it's chilly but the kitchen is warm and blinding bright
and the windows are misty from the heat and it smells like meatballs and fries
the whole flat does
that's what home smells like for me
now i'm frying falafel but it smells like home
and it's silent, so silent outside
but voices in the kitchen


Friday, August 17, 2018

yes

the rain is beautiful
and i am so fucking happy
i have inspiration and spontaneity and language courses and a cool roommate
and i have freelove
three years ago i said i could only truly love a kerouac
i did meet him few months after
just want you to know
i met my kerouac


Tuesday, July 17, 2018

hamburger

last night i dreamt about running up and down a hill in bright yellow high heels and a red dress
a sign.
it will be fine


Monday, April 30, 2018

...and find a brand new way of seeing...

right now
i remember the days
following our one-night stand
caugh up in our unintentional surrender to each other
how stupid i must had been to believe
i wouldn't fall for somebody so perfect
i remember the first time i noticed how incredibly beautiful your hands were
while you were holding a beer can
while we were sitting on the ground the night we met
and i'm just amazed how life works
the clock is ticking
counting away from the moment our fingers locked together
and we got locked up forever
our friend the lord of the skies
says it's worse than lottery
in lottery at least someone wins for certain
in love nobody really does
i told him it's a risk i'm willing to take with you
if we lose, then everyone does
if we can't make it, then nobody can
we're the only ones standing a chance against the odds
real love doesn't need to be fought for
it doesn't demand sacrifices and it doesn't cause wars
it just is
as simple as that

Friday, January 12, 2018

не знам. не знам. не знам. нищо. абсолютно нищо.
чувствам се като в предпоследната сцена на аризонска мечта. най-важното е, може би, че не знам какво искам. не е дилема. не знам какво искам от живота anymore. никога не съм била амбициозна за кариера и пари, но съм била амбициозна за мечтите си, за чувствата си, за всеки красив миг, който мога да си открадна. а сега... нищо. сякаш... изразходих мечтите си. получих всичко прекалено рано и прекалено лесно. получих, изживях и продължавам да изживявам всичко, за което някога съм мечтала и много неща, за които дори не съм и мечтала. и не е достатъчно. мразя това качество на хората. че винаги искаме повече.
винаги съм казвала, че най-точната индикация за щастие е, че в този момент не ти се иска да бъдеш някъде другаде с някой друг. и в редките моменти, в които съм искала да бъда другаде, винаги съм знаела точно къде искам да бъда и съм го постигала. просто съм следвала чувствата си и съм правила това, което ме прави щастлива.
проблемът е, че от известно време не просто не искам да съм тук, но и не знам къде искам да съм. проблемът е, че обиколих азия с момчето на не-мечтите ми и през повечето време исках да съм някъде другаде. и нямам решение, защото проблемът е вътре в главата ми.
имам нужда от вдъхновение. не се харесвам такава. мога да обвинявам азия, че е грозна и скучна, но едва ли тя е виновната. страх ме е, че ще отида във венеция и няма да усетя нищо. липсва ми онова аз, което спи на отворен прозорец зимата, за да може да чува шума от улицата и бученето на машините, с които я мият нощем. отдавна не съм го правила. не помня в кой момент забравих да го правя.
трябва да си припомня някои неща.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

my endless summer

i don't think i know anything anymore
i've been to the end of the world and back
but i don't feel like i've learnt anything

maybe i don't want to admit it
but maybe i am losing my religion
i am not fascinated by people that much anymore
the tropical jungles are only forests
and taj mahal is only a building
living only a summer is veery boring
everyone is like everyone is like everywhere
is like everything

that's what i learnt

and i am the same
exactly where i started
but i will be back

Monday, June 19, 2017

i am one step away from leaving
and i'm gonna leave myself behind too
i am not afraid
not at all
i don't need anything
just a warm sleeping bag and the road

that's what i wrote an year ago
now i am back and i have found
not what i was looking for
but something

Thursday, May 12, 2016

you say jump
but 'every time i hear the word love, i think going, going..'
when you tell me you love me
i hang up cause i cannot speak through my tears
i am nothing but terrified
you are perfect
this time you really are
it's not my mind playing me
but still i can only see going
going
you give me freelove
but it's my love that is dragging me down
i tell you
if i was wise enough
i would run
run very far away from your perfect hands and your devilish smile
but i am not that strong so
'here I am, a rabbit hearted girl, frozen in the headlights'
i will blame you at the end and you know it
you are so brave and naive, my boy
i love it and you make me wanna jump too


Monday, April 18, 2016

there is this huge colorful storm in my head
i'm spinning in the middle and
after a while everything reminds me of everything
and everyone looks like everyone
your hands are his hands
and you are holding your cigarette exactly the same way he does
everybody is a deja-vu
this room is a copy of another one a thousand kilometers from here
and this very minute is a copy of another one lived months ago
and another one lived years ago
the second you put your beer down i can see
a hundred people putting their beer down in my memories
i've listened to this song so many times but i don't know when and where
everything is a deja-vu
you laugh exactly like someone else once did but i don't remember who
your perfume smells familiar
and when i close my eyes i am not sure who i am kissing
or who is kissing you
yes, after a while i stop seeing them and i see only
you
you
you
but do i really?

i realized i don't realize
how dangerously i play with my feelings
living so fast i can feel the g-force
loving on a tightrope
where less is not enough so i stretch it higher and higher up in the sky
if i step down i die
if i fall i die
i feel i am getting closer
so i close my eyes and
walk
love
live
not really knowing how far the ground is
i rush for the high
in my color tornado
my head spinning
spinning faster

Saturday, March 26, 2016

maybe

it all started that night we slept among tea fields
at the end of the world
and at the end of our senses
freezing under moist blankets in front of the fire
i wasn't impressed the first time i saw you
you weren't a maybe
till you were
till i dreamt about loving you that night
and woke up to your smile all different
i get high on your philosophies
the only lost wars i can not get over are the ones i still believe are not wars
there is an exact moment i realize
life is all exaggerations
of our own private realities
at that moment i am not afraid of exaggerating you
right now there is no magic greater than your honey eyes watching the road
we are a monologue inside my head
and who is to say we are not real
i've been looking for someone who is exactly like me
but then they would be an unpredictable unreliable liar
i love the way you don't love me
i want us to be free before anything
i don't need you to need me
i just want to swim in your hair
and to get lost between your eyelashes
the only times i am afraid of loving you
is when i am afraid of losing you
is when i am afraid of losing myself
falling in love after all is 'falling' and i can't afford losing control
slipping is a death sentence when my heart stands on a balance scale



Wednesday, February 24, 2016

there was nowhere to go but everywhere

i'm forever fascinated by the road ahead
you say life is an exam, a purgatory
but you can't possibly convince me
that heaven has anything to offer more beautiful than what i have here
you say earthly emotions are sinful
but you can't possibly convince me
that there is anything more sacred than what i feel with my five senses
i am embracing the sky as my back touches the asphalt
and i become one with the black road and the wind
the rain is cold but i'm not afraid
i'm nothing but excited to embrace it too
to feel it run down my skin
i can't help to throw my arms in the air
and sing, yell, laugh
i only take what the world has to offer and pray
i pray by laughing, crying, running, eating, drinking, making love
that's my way of talking to god and it's sacred
you say: be moderate
i say: be mad!
demand life
dig the happiness from inside the earth, from inside yourself, pull it out and wear it proudly on your shoulders
don't be moderate
overreact
overdo
overwork
overlaugh
overlove
overlove!
i'm forever fascinated by the unknown, by the spontaneity of life
it's all a big beautiful dream and you don't have to have it all planned
just embrace the road
and don't yawn
never yawn
coming home has never felt so wrong
it's like waking up from a long dream to a life i don't belong to
it does feel like home
everything is familiar and warm indeed
but it feels so wrong

i only miss the past when the present is not good enough
so i have to keep it up
to outrun the pain
to do better every day
that's actually what growing old is -
the present getting less than the past
till the future disappears and there is only past to live with
and you spend your present holding on to the past

it's an addiction you know
more
more more
more
more
life itself is an addiction
what you had today is never enough tomorrow
you'd do anything to keep it going
or you'd fall
you will have a single best moment in your life
from there on
it's down
down

Sunday, February 21, 2016

....she got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends

i don't fall in love with my men
i fall in love with their hands
with their bracelets
with their colors
with their eyes watching the road ahead
silently
i think i've found a new way to love
i've found a new way to embrace
it took me so long to find the passion i feel in my dreams
but now i have
these days i've fallen in love so many times
but managed to stay free in my mind
life is beautiful
and it gets better
i promise
there are so many people to love out there
colors
so many colors
i look in your eyes and see explosions
no expectations
we share our colors
and i can feel myself change
and learn
and i love all of you
i fall in love with every single one of you
i want to spend a lifetime with every single one of you
and i actually do
spend a lifetime
in the split second when our eyes meet
and then
explosions