when i grow up i want to be a forester
like my grandfather
i never met him but i often imagine him
wearing that jacket he's wearing in all the old photos
stepping through the woods
holding a gun in his rough hands
they say his eyes were blue like the sky
i wouldn't know
for me he's always been just black and white
i don't have his blue eyes
maybe that's why i'm forever fascinated by blue-eyed people

they say i got the temper of my father's mother
she chased her husband with a shovel through the town
i bet he had it coming, the bastard

when i grow old
i want to live at the border between the sky and the barley
i want to die alone in a september night
somewhere very far from home
i remember my mother explaining me the meaning of the ukrainian flag when i was very little
i'm forever fascinated by that image
i don't have my father's green eyes either
but i have his hair and his predisposition to alcoholism

when i grow younger i want to be an astronaut
i'm never going to grow old
i want to have gray hair and wrinkles
but i know i will die young
and i don't want people to keep photos of me
but i will love it if they make flutes out of my bones
and play me
i don't need to be remembered
i just need to be

when i grow up i want to be
music
barley
everybody
everything
nothing

that's where my demons hide

hey, you
the one with the very beautiful hands
i owe you an apology.
i made a mistake.
i don't regret you
i'm not broken hearted
i'm not angry
just you know sometimes the whatifs sting
i owe you an apology
and i owe myself one
cause the space between me and my lover has been sacred
and i fell too low this time
i couldn't draw a line between 'open minded' and 'easy'
i remember my look at you watching you sleep when we first met
and i remember your look at me when we last met
i feel like i owe you something
maybe i owe you my feelings
cause you've always been something more
and i've always been something less
cause i never let you know that you were something more
and i've constantly turned myself into something less
i've turned the space between us from sacred to vulgar
so i could never ask to be your something more
not anymore
it's been an educational border-crossing
now i know what's 'too low'
i don't really owe you an apology
cause i didn't promise you anything anyway
but i really owe myself one
cause i felt like your wife
but i acted like your whore

you're hopeful then you regret, the circle never breaks

не мога да си спомня от колко време, години, не съм ходила на класическа old fashioned първа среща
такава, на която се говори много и се слуша много и ти е дори интересно
и да вкараш другия в леглото не е единствената цел
и седите с часове в някое кафене и се чудиш 'дали?'
и се държите за ръце върху масата
нямам идея от колко страшно много време не съм се държала за ръце с момче, докато вървим по улицата
или където и да е
може би тези дни имам нужда от малко old fashioned влюбване
ужасно ме е страх
но може би малко съм позабравила колко боли
обещах си, че няма да забравя, но съм позабравила

I must become a lion hearted girl
and, damn, you're so lovable