confusion

you know that feeling when a scene is stuck in the back of your mind for years and years and you have no idea if it's a memory, a dream, a movie or a fantasy?
i have many of those and as the time passes i'm getting more and more convinced that nothing is real
sometimes i feel like i am not real
not being able to recreate the route we took that evening to the poets and back, not being able to find the places in my mind, although i remember everything from that night so vividly, then finding them and them looking all wrong and at the wrong side of the road and stuff, makes me question my memories of everything
every time i try to find the perspective i remember so clearly, but it's just... a different place altogether
so i gotta question either myself or reality

my head's under water, but i'm breathing fine

a guy on the train is talking to himself in some distant land's language
he doesn't seem crazy in spite of the persistance of his speech
i don't understand him but he is reciting a poem
it looks like he is reciting a poem to the foggy view of the river outside
another guy is giving a speech to the whole train he looks like he is acting on stage
except that he is not
he is the actual personage that the actors immitate
the original
I am rereading 'the road' and i'm like
maan, that's some rookie hitchhiking there
i have better stories to tell
one of these days i should start writing thought i don't feel any more experienced or mature
the only thing i've learned being a grown up is that grown ups don't know shit about shit not a single little shit
not a single person
but it doesn't really matter anyway
one of the dreams i have every once in a while for years is that
i am drowning and just as i can't hold my breath any longer and breath in the water and wait to die,
i realize that i don't need air
and i just keep swimming and swimming,
and it's peaceful and everything is just fine
that's the only love song that makes sense these days anyway